Warning to self-injurers the following post my be triggering. Stay safe.

I thought I would share some of my story. I am a cutter. I do not say I was a cutter because I will always be a cutter just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. I have been cut free for over a year.

I started cutting when I was in 7th grade. To be honest though that was not my first form of self injury....I used to bang my head before that. For some reason unknown even to me, when I was in 7th grade I took an exactoknife  blade from art and used it to cut myself. That was the first of many many times of cutting.

I used to cut my arms, my legs, my stomach etc.

I got most of my blades to cut with by taking apart disposable razors. Like my title says "I do not shave because I find razors to be triggering." I know this, so even though there may be some people who find it gross...I do not shave. It is better to be hairy then to start cutting.

This is a topic that many people do NOT want to talk about. It is a topic that seems to scare people because they do not understand it.

I am hoping that this post will help.

Self-injury usually indicates that somewhere during development that person didn't learn good ways of coping with overwhelming feelings or stress. They're not sick or insane; they just never learned positive ways to deal with feelings and emotions for various reasons. Positive coping skills can be learned at any point in life. People who self-injure can learn to use new and healthier coping mechanisms. This process may take years to develop. It is my husband who has helped me learn healthy ways.

Self-injury is also termed self-mutilation, self-harm, or self-abuse. It can be defined as the deliberate, repetitive, impulsive, non-lethal harming of one's self, including but not limited to;
1)cutting,
2)burning,
3)picking or interfering with wound healing,
4)infecting oneself,
5)punching/hitting self or objects,
6)inserting objects in to skin,
7)bruising or breaking bones, and
8)some forms of hair pulling.

Self-injury, like many addictions, is often a coping mechanism to deal with some manner of internal pain, many who struggle with it also struggle with other issues such as eating disorders and alcohol and drug abuse. While self-injury may be someone's way to cope with or relieve painful or hard-to-express feelings and is generally NOT a suicide attempt.

We aren't born knowing how to express and cope with our emotions -- we learn from our parents, our siblings, our friends, schoolteachers, -- everyone in our lives. One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they had no good role models for coping. You can't learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. How could you learn to cook if you'd never seen anyone work in a kitchen?

Although a history of abuse is common among self-injurers, not everyone who self-injures was abused. Sometimes, invalidation and lack of role models for coping are enough, especially if the person's brain chemistry has already primed them for choosing this sort of coping.

So....My name is Kristen and I am a cutter. I am in recovery and hope to stay cut free. I will continue to do the things I can to stay that way. So I don't shave because I would rather be hairy then be triggered. I would never write this type of post while home alone because it can be triggering so I wrote it while my husband was home to stay safe.

Do you know anyone (Everyone knows someone but may not know it) who self injures? Do you or have you injured yourself? Feel free to share your thoughts.

Genesis 44:1-34  And he commanded the steward of his house, saying: 'Fill the men's sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man's money in his sack's mouth.  (2)  And put my goblet, the silver goblet, in the sack's mouth of the youngest, and his corn money.' And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.  (3)  As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses.  (4)  And when they were gone out of the city, and were not yet far off, Joseph said unto his steward: 'Up, follow after the men; and when thou dost overtake them, say unto them: Wherefore have ye rewarded evil for good?  (5)  Is not this it in which my lord drinketh, and whereby he indeed divineth? ye have done evil in so doing.'  (6)  And he overtook them, and he spoke unto them these words.  (7)  And they said unto him: 'Wherefore speaketh my lord such words as these? Far be it from thy servants that they should do such a thing.  (8)  Behold, the money, which we found in our sacks' mouths, we brought back unto thee out of the land of Canaan; how then should we steal out of thy lord's house silver or gold?  (9)  With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, let him die, and we also will be my lord's bondmen.'  (10)  And he said: 'Now also let it be according unto your words: he with whom it is found shall be my bondman; and ye shall be blameless.'  (11)  Then they hastened, and took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack.  (12)  And he searched, beginning at the eldest, and leaving off at the youngest; and the goblet was found in Benjamin's sack.  (13)  And they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass, and returned to the city.  (14)  And Judah and his brethren came to Joseph's house, and he was yet there; and they fell before him on the ground.  (15)  And Joseph said unto them: 'What deed is this that ye have done? know ye not that such a man as I will indeed divine?'  (16)  And Judah said: 'What shall we say unto my lord? what shall we speak? or how shall we clear ourselves? God hath found out the iniquity of thy servants; behold, we are my lord's bondmen, both we, and he also in whose hand the cup is found.'  (17)  And he said: 'Far be it from me that I should do so; the man in whose hand the goblet is found, he shall be my bondman; but as for you, get you up in peace unto your father.'  (18)  Then Judah came near unto him, and said: 'Oh my lord, let thy servant, I pray thee, speak a word in my lord's ears, and let not thine anger burn against thy servant; for thou art even as Pharaoh.  (19)  My lord asked his servants, saying: Have ye a father, or a brother?  (20)  And we said unto my lord: We have a father, an old man, and a child of his old age, a little one; and his brother is dead, and he alone is left of his mother, and his father loveth him.  (21)  And thou saidst unto thy servants: Bring him down unto me, that I may set mine eyes upon him.  (22)  And we said unto my lord: The lad cannot leave his father; for if he should leave his father, his father would die.  (23)  And thou saidst unto thy servants: Except your youngest brother come down with you, ye shall see my face no more.  (24)  And it came to pass when we came up unto thy servant my father, we told him the words of my lord.  (25)  And our father said: Go again, buy us a little food.  (26)  And we said: We cannot go down; if our youngest brother be with us, then will we go down; for we may not see the man's face, except our youngest brother be with us.  (27)  And thy servant my father said unto us: Ye know that my wife bore me two sons;  (28)  and the one went out from me, and I said: Surely he is torn in pieces; and I have not seen him since;  (29)  and if ye take this one also from me, and harm befall him, ye will bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.  (30)  Now therefore when I come to thy servant my father, and the lad is not with us; seeing that his soul is bound up with the lad's soul;  (31)  it will come to pass, when he seeth that the lad is not with us, that he will die; and thy servants will bring down the gray hairs of thy servant our father with sorrow to the grave.  (32)  For thy servant became surety for the lad unto my father, saying: If I bring him not unto thee, then shall I bear the blame to my father for ever.  (33)  Now therefore, let thy servant, I pray thee, abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren.  (34)  For how shall I go up to my father, if the lad be not with me? lest I look upon the evil that shall come on my father.'

Joseph has his steward place his silver cup in the bag of Benjamin along with the money Benjamin brought to buy the grain, and they did not know this.

Look how confident they are. There is no way any of them would do such a thing. They saw how the man treated them, thinking they were spies, placing them in prison for 3 days and-so-on.  Because of this confidence they had they told the steward that whoever's sack the silver cup is found in, let that person be put to death! They had no idea that it would be found in Benjamin's.  But the steward repeats what Joseph had told him to say, that the person where the silver cup is found will become the salve of this man, Joseph. Everyone else will be set free, but not the one that has the cup.

Instead of returning home, like they did when they sold Joseph into slavery, they go back to Egypt to see the man, to see Joseph.  They were willing to stand with Benjamin and possibly sacrificing their own freedom or life.  This was a far different attitude from years earlier.

Judah is pleading with the ruler of the land to be allowed to take the place of his younger brother in prison.

Genesis 43:1-34  And the famine was sore in the land.  (2)  And it came to pass, when they had eaten up the corn which they had brought out of Egypt, that their father said unto them: 'Go again, buy us a little food.'  (3)  And Judah spoke unto him, saying: 'The man did earnestly forewarn us, saying: Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.  (4)  If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food;  (5)  but if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down, for the man said unto us: Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.'  (6)  And Israel said: 'Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?'  (7)  And they said: 'The man asked straitly concerning ourselves, and concerning our kindred, saying: Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words; could we in any wise know that he would say: Bring your brother down?'  (8)  And Judah said unto Israel his father: 'Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go, that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones.  (9)  I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him; if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever.  (10)  For except we had lingered, surely we had now returned a second time.'  (11)  And their father Israel said unto them: 'If it be so now, do this: take of the choice fruits of the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, and a little honey, spicery and ladanum, nuts, and almonds;  (12)  and take double money in your hand; and the money that was returned in the mouth of your sacks carry back in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight;  (13)  take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man;  (14)  and God Almighty give you mercy before the man, that he may release unto you your other brother and Benjamin. And as for me, if I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.'  (15)  And the men took that present, and they took double money in their hand, and Benjamin; and rose up, and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.  (16)  And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house: 'Bring the men into the house, and kill the beasts, and prepare the meat; for the men shall dine with me at noon.'  (17)  And the man did as Joseph bade; and the man brought the men into Joseph's house.  (18)  And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph's house; and they said: 'Because of the money that was returned in our sacks at the first time are we brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses.'  (19)  And they came near to the steward of Joseph's house, and they spoke unto him at the door of the house,  (20)  and said: 'Oh my lord, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food.  (21)  And it came to pass, when we came to the lodging-place, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man's money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight; and we have brought it back in our hand.  (22)  And other money have we brought down in our hand to buy food. We know not who put our money in our sacks.'  (23)  And he said: 'Peace be to you, fear not; your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks; I had your money.' And he brought Simeon out unto them.  (24)  And the man brought the men into Joseph's house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their asses provender.  (25)  And they made ready the present against Joseph's coming at noon; for they heard that they should eat bread there.  (26)  And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed down to him to the earth.  (27)  And he asked them of their welfare, and said: 'Is your father well, the old man of whom ye spoke? Is he yet alive?'  (28)  And they said: 'Thy servant our father is well, he is yet alive.' And they bowed the head, and made obeisance.  (29)  And he lifted up his eyes, and saw Benjamin his brother, his mother's son, and said: 'Is this your youngest brother of whom ye spoke unto me?' And he said: 'God be gracious unto thee, my son.'  (30)  And Joseph made haste; for his heart yearned toward his brother; and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.  (31)  And he washed his face, and came out; and he refrained himself, and said: 'Set on bread.'  (32)  And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, that did eat with him, by themselves; because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.  (33)  And they sat before him, the firstborn according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth; and the men marvelled one with another.  (34)  And portions were taken unto them from before him; but Benjamin's portion was five times so much as any of theirs. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Judah understood the problem here. If they do not bring Benjamin with them, then "the man" or Joseph will put them in prison thinking they are spies. So he will not go unless Jacob allows Benjamin to go with them.

Judah, he tells his father he would put his own life on the line and be surety for Benjamin. Keep in mind that Judah was the one who proposed the sale of Joseph to the Midianite traders but now he is doing what is right with Benjamin. He is willing to lay his life down for him.

Jacob wants them to also take a double portion of money plus what they brought down to Egypt the first time and ended up back in their money sacks. He was hoping that this would appease this man in Egypt, who was Joseph.

So they head down to Egypt with Benjamin this time and when they get there Joseph recognized Benjamin, which must have comforted his heart knowing that his brothers did not kill him or try to sell him into slavery. And when Joseph invited them into his house for a meal, they were suspicious, they thought it was just a ploy or scheme and they were in trouble.

It seems that Joseph is putting one more test in front of the brothers to see if they were resentful of Benjamin being showed favor. Joseph had seen their resentment when he was shown favor by his father.