July 6, 2007
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Marriage (almost 7 years)
Didyou know that the average duration of a marriage these days is 2years?
OnJuly 11, in just a few days, Barry and I will have been married 7years. I am trying to think back 5 years and think where we were whenwe were married only 2 years. Thinking of all the blessings that wewould have missed if thats all ours would have lasted.
5years ago Summer was just a little toddler and I was having prematurelabor issues with Wayne. Christian wasn’t even a thought yet. All thegood things that have happened these past 7 years that we have beenmarried.
Itmakes me so sad how little meaning marriage has to people now days.When Barry and I said until death do us part, we meant it.
Iam so against divorce. some of it maybe because of having been raisedby my grandparents as both of my parents went and did there thingafter getting divorced with no thought to how it affected me. I wasn’t even two yet when my parents separated. My mother went and did her thing, getting married and divorced again and is at this point living with a man (She calls her “friend” but they sleep in the same bed) that she inst married to. Staying out of my life until I turned 18. At that point coming back into my life but always staying distant. My father going out when I was 4 and marrying another woman, whom he is still married to and basically choosing her over a meaningful relationship with his only child (if you don’t count that woman’s child who he adopted). A man who to this day doesn’t know his own child or grandchildren. Maybe a call 2 or three times a year and a promise of a want to get to know us, never fulfilled.
Divorce hurts. Divorce is a horrible horrible thing. A thing that NO CHILD should EVER be subjected to. I know that whenever I mention this subject that there will be some making excuses for divorce, there always are. GOD HATES DIVORCE. He never wanted it to happen. He is very clear on that.
Someof my hatred of divorce also comes from that I have read what God thinks of Divorce. It is sosad all the excuses that people come up with to justify gettingdivorced.
Matthew 19:1-9
(1) And it came topass, that when Jesus had finished these sayings, he departed fromGalilee, and came into the coasts of Judea beyond Jordan;
(2) And greatmultitudes followed him; and he healed them there.
(3) The Pharisees alsocame unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for aman to put away his wife for every cause?
(4) And he answeredand said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at thebeginning made them male and female,
(5) And said, For thiscause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to hiswife: and they twain shall be one flesh
(6) Wherefore they areno more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joinedtogether, let not man put asunder.
(7) They say unto him,Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and toput her away
(8) He saith untothem, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you toput away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
(9) And I say untoyou, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication,and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth herwhich is put away doth commit adultery.
Malachi 2:13-16
(13) And what else areyou doing? You cry noisily and flood the LORD’s altar with yourtears, because he isn’t pleased with your offerings and refuses toaccept them.
(14) And why isn’t Godpleased? It’s because he knows that each of you men has beenunfaithful to the wife you married when you were young. You promisedthat she would be your partner, but now you have broken that promise.
(15) Didn’t God createyou to become like one person with your wife? And why did he do this?It was so you would have children, and then lead them to become God’speople. Don’t ever be unfaithful to your wife.
(16) The LORD GodAll-Powerful of Israel hates anyone who is cruel enough to divorcehis wife. So take care never to be unfaithful!
Marriage as institutedby God is a life long commitment. If you are not ready to make thattype of commitment you are not ready for marriage. Marriage asdefined by God is for keep, until death do you part.
Marriage commitmentis both to God and our spouse
God is the one whojoins couples in marriage, not simply the words of a pastor orjustice of the peace.
Matt 19:6 Whereforethey are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joinedtogether, let not man put asunder.
In marriage you aremaking a two fold covenant. A covenant with God where you promise Himthat you will love, honor, and cherish your spouse until death do youpart. God enters into this marriage covenant with the two of you andpromises to give you his strength and blessing to keep this covenant.You also make a covenant with your spouse. That you will love, honorand cherish him or her until one of you dies and goes to be with theLord.
Loveis a choice, not a feeling.
Loving feelings areimportant, wonderful, and make life and marriage fun. But they arethe icing oflove and not the cakeof love.
Loving feelings inmarriage go through many stages and have many ups and downs. Emotionsare affected by so many different things from hormones to happeningsaround us.
When couples say theywant to get a divorce because they no longer love each other, theyreally don’t understand love. They have a feel good Hollywood ideaof love which is impossible to live up to. It’s not real love.
The commitment youmake in marriage to love each other is not a commitment of feelingsbut of doingthe loving things.
So even if I don’tfeel real loving toward my husband today I still can do and respondin ways that are loving and kind. Love is a choice! Commitment is achoice!
The core of Love isgiving,not getting.For God so loved the world that he GAVEhisone and only son. He committed himself to love us even when we areundeserving!
The way to restoreloving feelings to your marriage is by continuing to give and do theloving things for your spouse.
Feelings are a resultofloving actions. If you do the right thing your feelings will berenewed toward your spouse. Loving actions will eventually produceloving feelings!
Don’t give up onyour marriage! Stay committed! Don’t settle for the status quoeither. You can have a great marriage! Do the work necessary to growyour marriage.
Hereare two reasons why God hates Divorce
Becauseof the destruction it brings to peoples lives. Divorce always leavesscars and erodes the fabric of the family, church and society.Studies also show the long-term effects on children who often sufferthe most. Divorce harms all involved.
Becauseit is a breaking of a covenant, meant for a lifetime, that Godinstituted between a man and a women. God takes the breaking of themarriage covenant very seriously. When you got married you enteredinto a covenant. You said for better or worse, richer or poorer,Until Death do us part. That was a covenant that you and your spousemade with God. You made a covenant that the two of you would betogether as one until one of you died. God joined the two of you asone.
Marriageis a covenant.
Todaycovenants are broken very easily but that should not be the caseamong God’s people. If we love God we keep his commandments.Divorce rates for Christians and nonchristians are about the same. Itshouldn’t be that way.
Incompatibility,no longer having feelings for the other, or not getting along are notBiblical reasons for divorce. They are reasons to get help and workon your marriage. Divorce in these situations is a violation ofcovenant and a sin before God.
Whatif you have violated covenant, divorced with no biblicaljustification and God is standing as a witness against you? What doyou do? ….YOU REPENT!!!
Ifthere is genuine repentance God will forgive you. Genuine repentancemeans you stop blaming others and take personal responsibility foryour part in the divorce. You ask God to forgive you. If possible youwork on reconciliation with your spouse that you divorced.
Inmarriage the Bridetakes the grooms last name.Why is it that now days women don’t want to take the husbands lastname? In many cases that fact alone spells trouble. When you getmarried you become one. To many people are entering marriage rightnow not wanting to become one. They want to stay their own person.This spells trouble to a marriage. When you are married you are nottwo people you are one, joined together by God.
Ipray a blessing of freshness into your marriage…..
Where there isdryness, may new pools of fresh water spring forth.
Where there isdiscouragement, may new hope renew your hearts toward each other.
Where there is pain,may there flow healing oil from God’s throne into your wounds.
Where there have beengrudges and unforgiveness, may God give you grace to forgive fromyour heart.
Where commitment hasfaltered may there be new determination.
Where the feelingshave faded, may fresh wind blow as you choose to still love.
Where the spark ofpassion has grown dim, may the fire of intimacy burn once again.
Where communication ishard, may you grow to understand and share in new ways.
Where finances haveburdened you, may wisdom and harmony lead you to freedom.
Where tension hasfilled your home, may laughter drive it out and joy and peace resideagain.
Where the past stillcondemns, may you know deep forgiveness and see the wonderful destinythat still lies before you.
May you increasinglybecome and stay best friends.
May your marriage beblessed and be a blessing!
Oh and a side note Ifeel that addressing marriage I should also address remarrriage…
Ifyou are remarried (divorced and your first spouse is still alive)then you are living in sin. God is very clear on that. You want to beforgiven? Then ask God to forgive you and STOP LIVING IN SIN.
Somepeople say that it is ok for them to be remarried because they askedGod to forgiven them. It is not ok. Remarried you are still living insin.
Adulteryis a continuous state of sin until the present partner is put away,complete repentance and full assurance of God’s forgiveness do notexist until the adulterous union is discontinued.
Genesis 20. . . Aslong as Abimelech had another man’s wife under his roof, he was a“dead man” until he released her to go back to her rightfulhusband, even though he had not yet touched her. This was true foreven a pagan king.
Ezra 9&10. . .Though a somewhat different situation, ie marrying foreign women,their unions were illcit and their sin was considered to be removedonly when they separated themselves from their wives. (10:2-4, 10,11)
Jer. 7:8-11. . . (notepreceding context) The Israelites were committing adultery and thengoing to the Temple saying “we are safe – - safe to do all thesedetestable things…” God said they were trusting in deceptive,worthless words.
Mal. 2:13-17 . . . Godhates divorce, the breaking faith with the wife of one’s youth. CanHe accept in our time that which He once hated? Is it only the act ofbreaking faith that He hates, or does He hate both the act and theongoing state of breaking faith?
Mt. 14:3,4 John theBaptist rebuked Herod for taking his brother Philip’s wife. He didnot say: “It is not lawful for you to have taken her” but rather“It is not lawful for you to have her”. If adultery were merelyan act, John died in vain. He should have been more discreet andsensitive, calling only for Herod to say he was sorry and givingpermission to continue on with Herodias. Instead, Jesus commendedJohn. Note also in Mk 6:18 John’s warning to Herod was repeated.
Lk 16:18
Mk 10:10-12. . . Jesusclearly states the remarriage after being divorced is adultery.
Rom. 7:2,3 . . . Onlydeath breaks the marriage bond. If the woman marries another man“while her husband is alive, she is an adulteress. It does not sayshe commits and act of adultery but rather she shall be called anadulteress. It is hard to think of how one could improve on thispassage in terms of its simplicity, clarity, and conciseness.
1 Cor. 7:10, 11 . . .The Lord’s command through Paul: no divorce, no separation. But ifseparation does occur, then no remarriage. Either the individualsmust remain unmarried or else be reconciled.
1 Cor 7:39 Marriage isfor life, not until divorce separates.
The marriage vowstates “till death do us part”, not “till divorce do us part”.God takes vows very seriously as seen in Eccl 5:4-6. God honors thefirst vows, the first union. Sinful vows should be repented of andsinful actions put away, not continued. The second vow was not alegitimate vow.
What is the meaning ofrepentance? With all other kinds of sins, we tell a person that truerepentance means putting away sin; only then can he be sure of God’sforgiveness. The following passage demonstrates this truth: Proverbs28:13, Ma. 3:8. See also II Cor 7:11.
I Cor. 5:1 says theman “has his father’s wife”, not took his father’s wife. As longas he was calling himself a brother, they were not to associate withhim but rather to expel him for the church. This indicates that hisimmoral relationship was an ongoing state. Other gross sins arelisted as reason for the same action by the church.
Consistency calls fordiscontinuing the adulterous marriage. If two people live infornication, in order for then to repent we tell then they must stopliving together as unmarried people. If two persons of the same sexare married, they must get out of that union, whether of not theState says it is legal. With other sins it is the same. Why thenwould this not apply also to divorced and remarried persons living inadultery?
Whatabout I Cor 7:15 “A believing man or women is not bound…” Boundto what? In observing the context, it seems the best understanding isto say: “He/she is not bound to fulfill his/her marital rights ifthe unbelieving spouse voluntarily leaves. He.she is not bound toforce the unbeliever to stay.” To say that this “not bound”passage means that one may divorce and remarry causes Paul tocontradict himself in what he says.
Doesn’tPaul say that “each on should retain the place in life that theLord assigned to him and to which God called him” and “to remainin the situation which he was when God called him”? (I Cor. 7:17,20, 24) Yes, but God does not call people into a state of adultery.They should remain only in situations that are not sinful, as per theexamples given: circumcision, being a slave. To apply this toremarriage situation requires one to also say that a person who issingle or a widow when he accepts Christ must always remain single.
Didn’tPaul say that is you are loosed from a wife you may marry withoutsinning? Actually, what he said is “Are you loosed from a wife? Donot seek a wife, but if you do married, you have not sinned; and if avirgin married, she has not sinned…” (I cor 7:27, 28) He did notsay “If you remarry, you have not sinned.” To marry if onesspouse has died is not sin, but to use this passage to justifyremarriage while the first partner is living causes Paul tocontradict himself in this same chapter (vs. 10, 11, 39) and in histeachings in Romans 7:2, 3 and to contradict the teachings of Jesus(Mk. 10:11, 12; Lk. 16:18). One must ask the question: how may aperson properly be “loosed from a wife” in order to marry again?The Scriptural answer is: the death of the partner (I Cor 7:39, Rom7:2, 3). Furthermore, in the context of “loosing”, Paul is notspeaking about divorcees, but about virgins and widows (7:25-40).
Doesn’tGod forgive? Doesn’t his mercy cover our sins? God’s mercy becomesours when we confess and abandon our sins (Prov 28:13). Otherwise weare sinning deliberately, and as long as one remains in that statethere is not forgiveness (Heb 10:26-31). Note also Titus 2:11-14: thegrace of God teaches us to say “no” to ungodliness and wordlypassions– not continue on it them. If adultery was a sin in thebeginning when first committed, common sense indicates it continuesto be sin when it continues to be committed. That is the way we viewall toher sins. Why would it be any different with adultery?
Whatif I divorced my spouse before I was a believer in Christ? Doesn’tthat allow me to remarry(or stay with present spouse)? We need toremember that marriage was not first of all Christian institutionsand is valid whether on marries as a Christian of not. Adultery isnot a sin that only Christians can commit. If marriages were validonly for Christians, then we would have to tell all unbelievers thattheir marriages are worthless and that in God’s sight they are notmarried. This approach would also conflict with the passages in Gen20 and Matthew 14 where Abimelech and Herod, as unbelievers, wereclearly condemned by God in what they had done.
Adulteryis an ongoing state of sin that can only be truly forgiven whendivorced and remarried persons separate. “He who covers his sinwill not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will havemercy”
For additional readingon this position:
Marriage, Divorce andRemarriage, John Colbentz, c.1992, Christian Light Publications
Till Death Do UsPart?, Joseph A. Webb, c1996, Webb Ministries, PO. Box 520729,Longwood, FL
Jesus and Divorce, TheProblem with the Evangelical Consensus, William Heth and GordonWeham, c1984, Nelson Publishers
Comments (13)
Great posting.. The only time I can say that divorced can be allowed is when their is servers abuse.. and on going adultary .. The part where it says what God has joined together let man not seprate . I can look at this another way. Did God join these to people or was it out of lust, What if some one marries just for the money, greed selfish reasons. So many people today can get married all for the wrong reasons. Dont get me wrong I believe in the institution and the COVENANT Marrage. But all marriages are not by God some its out of the flesh.. Like God says not to be unevenly yoked but their is also scripture about that if one believe and the other wants to stay in the marrage. If they dont they are not bound.. If some one gets divorced before their saved I still think God will forgive.
My Pastor is actual starting to preach and teach going way back to the beginning about marriage and the covenant he made sure he started out tell us how in Europe sick place is now making it legal for a person to marrie their animals how sick this world is.. The lesson is his teachings also will address people who are living together in sin. Fornicating every thing I think its great he is addressing it..
I have been married going on 8 yrs now my husband and I have our moments but their not to the point where I would walk away. I made that vow before God I was conciouse of the effect I made it before God and made the desion to alway God into our marrage as we are christians. I married him till death do us part. I was on bed rest for hour second son for 6months I was suppose to be in the hospital . God bless thanks for the posting..
Kristen, well done! Well said . I am a product of a Godly marriage and all it’s benefits. Was there struggles? Yes. But the blessings have been too many to count. God honors obedience and committment to His Word. His ways are for our benefit. My dh is the product of divorce. Completely different story. He has had struggles because of it, difficulties which are so needless.. it ruined my sil’s life unforunately
It has only made our committment for eachother stronger because even if we had a problem, we stuck it out with God’s help. He honors when we obey 
Thanks Kristen!
Kristen, well done! Well said . I am a product of a Godly marriage and all it’s benefits. Was there struggles? Yes. But the blessings have been too many to count. God honors obedience and committment to His Word. His ways are for our benefit. My dh is the product of divorce. Completely different story. He has had struggles because of it, difficulties which are so needless.. it ruined my sil’s life unforunately
It has only made our committment for eachother stronger because even if we had a problem, we stuck it out with God’s help. He honors when we obey 
Thanks Kristen!
I am divorced and remarried. To leave my current husband means destroying the lives of three children. To go back to my ex-husband means going back to a “man” who tried to kill me. Literally.
My husband is a wonderful, loving husband and father. He is the kind of husband that God wants. He calls me his “Proverbs 31″ wife.
So who is the one God would have me with? The one who lives according to His commands or the one who beat me, shot me, and left me for dead?
Adultery is an ongoing state of sin that can only be truly forgiven when divorced and remarried persons separate. “He who covers his sin will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy”
If two people live in fornication, in order for then to repent we tell then they must stop living together as unmarried people. If two persons of the same sex are married, they must get out of that union, whether of not the State says it is legal. With other sins it is the same. Why then would this not apply also to divorced and remarried persons living in adultery?
The marriage vow states “till death do us part”, not “till divorce do us part”. God takes vows very seriously as seen in Eccl 5:4-6. God honors the first vows, the first union. Sinful vows should be repented of and sinful actions put away, not continued. The second vow was not a legitimate vow.
If you are remarried (divorced and your first spouse is still alive) then you are living in sin. God is very clear on that. You want to be forgiven? Then ask God to forgive you and STOP LIVING IN SIN.
I agree with most of what you’ve said. I do have to comment that not all marriages can stay marriages. I am one of them. I have been married before and I got a divorce. I didn’t get a divorce out of greed or just becuase my feelings said I should. I had to choose to do this because he was abusive. Not physically, yet, but very mentally abusive and I know for sure God would not allow that for my life. I know that God has forgiven me for this even though I was not a believer at the time. I know what you mean about children getting hurt through a divorce. My daughter is hurting even after 11 yrs. She knows she is loved and that is all I can do for her. I don’t regret for a second about my divorce because I could NEVER live like that anymore! It was awful.
I know marriage is very important. My husband and I will be celebrating 10 yrs in November and I know when we were married 2 yrs it could of easily ended in divorce. But we decided that our marriage is worth it forever! We have two boys now, they are 8 and 5 and we are so blessed. Sometimes choices are not what you intended it to be in the first place because trust me, I never thought I would be divorced once! But God has grace and he forgives. That is what keeps me going! Not all divorce is meant to hurt others but sadly people get hurt.
I know for sure that my daughter and myself would be hurt a lot worse if I stayed married to her father. And that too me is WAY worse than divorce. Just thought I would share!
Kristen, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! It is soooo rare to find someone who understands the permanency of marriage like you do. Thank you for posting this and the previous post on this subject. No, it’s not an easy subject, but the Way is narrow, as Jesus revealed. My husband and I have been married 36 years (whew! Did I actually write that? LOL) Sometimes it seems like forever, other times it seems like just a few short years! We made vows before God to be together until “death do us part” — not “as long as we love each other.” I do understand the pain of those who are living with an abusive spouse — when your husband sexually abuses your son or your daughter, are you to remain with him? Are you not doing the child more harm than good? But if you do leave him, remarriage is NOT an option. Keep up the good work, Kristen! I enjoy your posts.
I’m very confused by your assertion that the only way for remarried couples to be forgiven is for them to “separate.” So, basically you are saying that to correct their sin of adultery, they must comit the sin of divorce. God would never want his people to sin in order to be forgiven of some other sin. Do you believe that we should murder abortionists? Should a Christian file bankruptcy in order to clear his debts so that he can tithe and be a good steward? What about this… What if two people who are not Christians divorce their spouses. Years later they become Christians and marry each other. You would suggest that they are living in sin and should divorce in order to correct this? They are now a Christian couple serving the Lord. They have children who need the stability of a home. And you would have them “separate?” How does this further God’s kingdom in the lives of their children? I don’t think you’ve thought this completely through.
Congratulations on 7 years of marriage!!!
Amen! Preach it sister! And, no suprise, the excuses you spoke of are coming quickly! I believe that the main reason that God so hates divorce is for the simple fact that it is the model for Christ and His church! Does our marriage reflect our loyalty to our Perfect Bridegroom? Our society has literally made a laughing stock of marriage…with shows such as “The Starter Bride” and people demanding same sex marrige rights. The divorce rate in the church is no lower than that of the world. We have completely excused this as the norm, God help and forgive us. By God’s grace my husband and I will celebrate our 28th anniversary in September. I am not boasting…I admit it has not been easy. We have had plenty of rough spots, even entire seasons…but our commitment to each other held fast….because we decided in the beginning that that was what we were after. Believe it or not, he asked me to marry him three times before I consented…because I was not willing to marry before I knew for a fact that he was in it for the long haul! The problem with marriages today is that people go in to it blindly, never hearing or considering many of the things you have expressed here. Marriage should not be so easy…. any responsible clergy should make sure that the people they intend to wed consider these points seriously first and agree to them! Yes, God is a God of forgiveness and grace and he can rebuild what is broken and redeem what has been lost, so if you are reading this and have suffered a divorce, I in no way condemn you. I am sorry and am sure that there is hope in Jesus name!! But from now on…since you have read this post, you are responsible to take marriage much more seriously! To whom much is given, much is required! Lord bless you!
i agree with momof 2girls above. both my dh and i were not christians when we divorced our spouses and later met each other. now we have been married 20 yrs and have 6 children. now we are christians. NOW being the keyword. to divorce my dh now would be to commit the sin of divorce again and leave my children without a stable parent-filled home. i don’t believe God would be happy with that! destroying my children?
God forgave me of my sin. i can’t undo any of them NOW. i can’t undo cussing i did at 20 or how can someone undo a murder they committed? God forgives! but He doesn’t change the past. i don’t believe committing more sin and destroying at least 8 people’s lives is pleasing to God.
as a christian my attitude towards marriage should be as you state but i wasn’t a christian when i got divorced.
JESUS love, death and resurrection and our acceptence of HIM as our Saviour clears us from our sin. Going back and trying to “fix” something to gain HIS forgiveness negates HIS purpose in our lives! Many religions would have us believe that we have to “work” for our salvation. When we accept Christ as our Saviour and lay our sins at His feet and ask forgiveness for those sins, we are to walk away and sin no more. He did NOT say, leave your current spouse and damage your children for things that were done when we were in rebellion.
Jesus mercy and GRACE allows us to work with what we’ve got, where we ARE.
I agree that marriage is sacred and not to be entered into lightly, nor discarded. I am happily married, but not by luck or anything I’ve done, but by what GOD has done for me and my husband. We’ve had plenty of viable reasons for divorce, but we held on and waited on the Lord. Our marriage is solid because we work at it.
I could go on and on about abuse and violence in a marriage, but I wont, what I WILL say is that there is only ONE Lord and Judge. For you to espouse what your stating goes against doctrine. We are to go and sin no more, but where does it say in the Bible that we are to destroy the lives in our present life? God and ONLY God will work out whatever discipline needs to be worked out with that person. If we have repented and asked for forgiveness He will forgive. We confess our sins of adultry, murder, theft, impure thoughts, slander and such to Him and to the person the offense was given, with a sorrowful and truly repentent and chastised heart and take whatever punishment/discipline we deserve, then we are free. Plain and simple. If the person offended does not forgive, then we can only pray for a softening of the heart and an opportunity for reconciliation later. But we are FREE as we have done what was required of us.
Just for the record, I do not believe in “shacking up”, same sex relationships or divorce. I am a mature, bible believing Christian who has walked the walk, so to speak, so I speak with knowledge and a FIRM understanding of where my eternity will be spent. I’m no “new age” free love, lets make everybody feel good because there is no heaven or hell heathen.
Remember, David, a man after God’s own heart, murdered, committed adultry, fornicated and lied. God dealt with him, but he was STILL with Bethsheba (sp). He did NOT go backwards, but forwards. It wasnt easy and he lost an infant along with the curse on his family BUT he knew he had the Lords forgiveness and His favor, and it is through his bloodline that our Saviour was born.
I believe a more consistent Biblical view of the topic of divorce (which God hates) and remarriage (which God allows in certain cases) can be found by reading Jay Adams’ book, “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible.”