September 25, 2011
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Dear Lady in the Women’s Washroom
Dear Lady in the Women’s Washroom
LOOSE END
Ivan Coyote / Vancouver / Thursday, September 22, 2011
I can only surmise from our recent interaction that I startled you in the women’s washroom at the mall today. I guess I don’t look much like what you seem to think a female washroom user should.This is not the first time this has happened to me; in fact, this was not the first time this happened to me this week. Forgive me if I was not as patient with you as you seemed to feel I should have been, but I would like to point out that your high-pitched squeal startled me, and I needed to urinate very badly. Perhaps I was not as gracious as I could have been.
To ensure that the next time this happens to you, or me, things go more smoothly for everyone involved, I have jotted down a couple of notes for your reference.
Not everyone fits easily into one of the two options provided on your standard public washroom doors. In my world, gender is a spectrum, not a binary. Just because an individual does not present as what you feel a woman should look like does not mean that person does not belong there.
Public washrooms are just that: public. This means that you do not get to decide whom you share them with. I would like to remind you that everyone, regardless of their gender identity or presentation, needs to pee.
For some of us, public washrooms are stressful places. We generally avoid them whenever possible. Please, rest assured that if I have chosen to enter a public washroom in spite of my long and arduous history with them, I have taken the time to note which door I am about to walk into, and that I am confident I have chosen the lesser of two evils.
I am, in fact, hyper aware of which bathroom I am in. It is not necessary for you to stare at me, pointedly refer to the graphic on the door or discuss my decision loudly with your companions. Gawking, elbowing your friend and repeatedly clearing your throat are also not helpful. Trust me, I will be in and out as quick as is humanly possible.
The next time this happens to you, I would like you to think twice before screaming. I would like you to imagine what it feels like to be me. Imagine being screeched at by a perfect stranger. Now imagine being screeched at when you really need to pee, or your tampon gave out 20 minutes ago. Sucks, doesn’t it?
I want you to know that I understand wanting to feel safe from men while using the bathroom in a public place. This is, in fact, the primary reason I don’t just use the other bathroom. That, and I have a very delicate sense of smell and don’t like returning filthy toilet seats to the down position.
I also would like you to know that trans and genderqueer people suffer from many more bladder infections, urinary tract issues and general pee–related health problems than the general population. I humbly ask you to consider why this might be the case.
I would also like you to know that I have had the great pleasure of spending time with seven-year-old and eight-year-old tomboys lately. Both young girls have experienced serious bullying at school and day camp over their gender presentation, especially in and around the question of gendered bathrooms. They have both come home from school in tears, and one of them even quit science camp because of it.
Hearing that these two sweet, kind, amazing children have already experienced “the bathroom problem” that I so often face myself not only broke my heart, it enraged me. I feel that this type of bullying has impeded their ability to access a public education, and affected their desire to participate in valuable activities outside of school as well.
I would like you to consider how this might affect their self-esteem, their grades and their sense of self-worth. I remind you that they are just little kids. They are only in elementary school, and it has started already. Not such a little thing after all, is it?
I ask you to forgive me my impatience with you at the mall today. But how could I possibly not think of my two little friends and feel anything but rage?
See, when you scream at me without thinking in the women’s washroom, you are implicating yourself in a rigid, two-party gender system that tells others it is okay to discriminate against people like me. Even little children who are like me.
This is the very same attitude that results in queer youth suicides and high school murderers being acquitted because the dead boy asked for it by wearing a skirt and makeup. It is this same attitude that turns its head when trans women are shot at by off-duty police officers and denied services at women’s shelters. It is this kind of sentiment that says it is okay to deny us housing, or a job, or the right to adopt children or dance on a freaking reality television show.
If you think I am making any of this up, then I encourage you to open up your newspaper and have another look.
I would like to remind you that this very same two-party gender system is enforced on me and others like me every day, policed by people just like you. It starts very young, and sometimes is subtle, as small as a second look on the way out of a bathroom stall, but sometimes it is deafening, and painful, and violent — even murderous.
So, the next time you meet up with someone like me in the “ladies’ room,” please think twice before screaming. I am not there by accident. In fact, I spent a lot more time looking at the sign on the door than you ever have.
Comments (47)
People are ignorant.
What ever happened to basic kindness and courtesy? Sometimes the other bathroom is full and I have been known to slink over to the men’s room for a whiz, which, oddly, guys don’t seem to mind. It isn’t because I’m one of those super-pretty, super-girly types, either, because I am definitely not. It’s because guys don’t care.
If a woman is going into a room marked ‘ladies’, she needs to remember that and act like a lady by minding her own business and not behaving like a rude ten year old. Everyone has to pee, and personally, I don’t give a damn who does it in the ladies’ room as long as they don’t whiz on the seat.
Cuz sometimes Momma’s in a hurry. Just sayin.
It might be less stressful to use the men’s room. Men don’t really give a shit, after all you’ll be in a stall anyway.
@Da__Vinci - depending on the state, doing that will get you arrested
@Da__Vinci - I usually go into the mens room in public situations. [1] The lines are always shorter, if there are any lines at all. [2] Men never care if a woman is in the mens room, but the other way around is usually frowned upon and [3] Sometimes I feel like I’m more dude than chick anyways, I just don’t have the ability to stand and piss, although I wish I did.
@Kristenmomof3 - Some people are raised so sheltered that they could never wrap their head around the complexities of gender. Sadly, this is something that needs to be accepted and hopefully in time the shock value will cease to exist and people won’t be so black and white with their thoughts. I think @Da_Vinci had something there with his comment — the mens room is always so much more inviting ;]
People can be so damn ignorant and rude. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this.
People can be so rude ,I makes me ashamed.
It’s funny…when I was a little kid, I wore jeans and t-shirts and never wore skirts or anything. I had a shorter hair cut (think Scott Baio…ugh!) and I always played with the boys. I never really experienced any sort of hate outright for being a tomboy, just the opposite. I had made friends with pretty much everyone I came into contact with. I don’t see why people have to be so judgmental over silly things like appearances and things. I’m sorry you have to deal with this sort of ignorance from anyone. *hugs* People would do well to re-watch Bambi. There’s something to the saying of “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
I don’t know how old the woman was who shreeked but she probably was no spring chicken, and I know that time is interminable for those who wait. All of this is probably
“new” to her and she has no conception how to handle it. Her friends are probably the around the same age, and they too only whispered about GBLT’s in school. Grew up with parents that didn’t even use the word “sex” for any reason. I am not asking that you forgive her, only that you understand her. If it weren’t for some friends of mine who had been friends a long time before they “came out”…I might think there was something of which to be afraid. But take heart, my friend, the first time I shook a black hand I looked to see if it rubbed off. Ignorance is an ugly word. I hope you won’t be faced with this again, and I hope one of her children educate her to the fact that the world changes and doesn’t revolve around her tiny world.
Geeze that woman was rude! As such, her opinion of you has no weight at all. She’s just trash that didn’t make it to the circular file. And I don’t understand, really. Women come in all shapes and sizes and looks. You look as much a woman as any other. She’s just being weird.
No reason for that type of reaction from the woman for craps sake. That woman was rude and immature. You sound like you handled it well.
Oh gosh how awful of her to scream.
Yeesh. Hopefully she’ll learn something from this!
I’m sure I’m entering this conversation in medias res, but why did you seem out of place in a women’s washroom?
@SirNickDon - at times people think me male by my hair and clothes
@Kristenmomof3 - When I had long hair I was sometimes mistaken for a girl. One older woman at a grocery store complained about girls like me, who “wear tight t-shirts, when they have nothing to show for it.”
Isn’t it sad how unladylike some “ladies” can be? Makes me sad, and it makes me angry. I am sorry that you had to deal with that, and twice in one week to boot.
I know it doesn’t REALLY help, but here: Have a cupcake! xo
@ZombieMom_Speaks - I love your comment!
All I could think of was, “When I was 10, if I’d acted like that, my mom would have given me the back of her hand and told me, ‘Behave like a lady or next time, you stay at home’!”
Let your hair grow, your life will be a lot easier. Don’t put yourself through this. Dress like a woman for the sake of society, now what you do in the bedroom is nobody’s business. Have consideration that most people have religious morals.
People can be so rude…i look quite Androgynous at times and have had people make some really rude comments (not just in the bathroom).
Now, on another not, i never k new this “I also would like you to know that trans and genderqueer people suffer from many more bladder infections, urinary tract issues and general pee–related health problems than the general population.” do you know the ties or an article on this? Im neither trans or genderqueer but are a frequent victim of uti
@AlluringAddiction - You can! Ever see Buck Angel? He’s never had phalloplasty because the surgery is dangerous and hasn’t been perfected yet, but he stands to pee. According to him, all you have to do is push your hips forward a bit. My daughter has autism and has taught herself to pee standing up in a mop bucket because the bathroom was occupied a couple of times and she didn’t want to wait. She didn’t spill a drop, either, which was pretty amusing to me. I hate cleaning out the bucket, though.
Sorry for the TMI. In a pinch, you too can pee standing up.
@SamsPeeps - Thank you! My mom was the same way. She’s kind of an old fashioned southern lady. You don’t sit with your elbows on the table, you don’t show up for dinner at someone’s house without a hostess gift and you never NEVER go out of your way to hurt someone else’s feelings.
I loathe purposeful rudeness, and I can’t help thinking that my own inner workings are about 60% of that. The other part is what I learned from my mother. It takes just as much time and energy to say something uplifting to someone as it does it say something mean. The difference is how both of you feel after the interaction has ended.
It is your right to look however you want to.
However, it is other people’s right to react the way they do to your decision.
Comparing yourself to ten year old tomboys is ridiculous in my opinion.Absolute horseshit.
I’m sorry, you get no sympathy from me. You made your choice.
@SirNickDon - Should a gal who wears her hair real short, and has masculine shape do something to clearly indicate she is indeed female? I kind of think so. As far as a guy with longer hair- well that comment says something, doesn’t it.
i tried to actually explain the gender-neutral pronoun(s) to my friend today. he had literally never even heard of it. it’s crazy how some people react to it.
You should have told that women to “take a picture it lasts longer.” : p
I grew up as a tomboy and never had this kind of trouble in public restrooms… It is a sad day that people are acting like this
@xxGetWellSoonxx - lol
Oh geez. This was in BC? That would be so weird! The only time I hear screaming in the ladies room is when I scream inside my head and for some reason that always happens in the bathrooms of movie theatres when I look at myself in the mirror. I wonder what it is about the lighting in those movie theatre bathrooms, it’s so much harsher than anywhere else!
It happens whenever I use the ladies room. Hilariously enough, I sometimes use the mens room when I really have to go and if I see a guy I know, he’ll just go, “Sup?”
Guys are cool about it, but girls on the other hand…erhhggh.
I went to a party yesterday and the host posted these signs over the restroom labels that said, “Gender-Neutral Bathrooms”. It was awesome. Took a load off my shoulders.
“i just didn’t feel comfortable sticking this tampon up my penis in the men’s room”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzvJ–Tcq2U
@pb49r - what….you want me to flash every one my HUGE TITS before I go in the bathroom?????
@Kristenmomof3 - Yeah, if you can get away with it legally, you’re probably better off going into the men’s room. Guys don’t care so much about that stuff.
@gottobereal64 - yup
@seedsower - yes they can
@RulerofMasons - why should I have to have long hair just because of someone elses religion? Why should I have to wear a dress? That is stupid. What business is it to anyone else how I dress? Why do I have to submit to your gender polarization????
@wolvenchic - it comes from that fact of holding the urine. The fact of trying not to go to the bathroom in public is what causes transgender and genderqueer to have more uti
@Bricker59 - Why do I have to submit to your gender polarization?
@QuantumStorm - That isn’t all that “safe” either.
You hold it in as long as you can, and when that fails, you go to whichever bathroom you think you’re least likely to get kicked out of/beaten up in at that moment. But if you look a little androgynous, you can’t predict when somebody’s going to think you’re a man or a woman, and flip out.
http://gendersense.com/2011/04/25/mcdonalds-bathroom/
@RulerofMasons @bricker59 – Real people need to use the restroom. “Moral integrity” doesn’t. Real people need to be treated like real people. Whether you agree with it or not, trans people are real people.
@Kristenmomof3 - You don’t have to.But that is your choice, and you live with the consequences.It is fine and dandy to throw out terms like “gender polarization”, but c’mon? Really? I’m talking real life, real world here. I am 52, and this is the first time I’ve heard or used the term “gender polarization”. It’s a crock of shit.
If you want to forge your identity by going against the grain of society, that’s fine. But don’t fucking whine about it when people don’t see you in the same light as you see yourself.
It is your choice. You can attack and pick apart my words if you so desire,but the bottom line is…you have chosen your appearance, if it makes people squeal….so be it.I think you got what you asked for.
I had long hair, when long hair was far from cool.I got beat up for it, and ostracized because of it. So be it. That was my choice.
Whining about personal choices, only turns people against you.
@Kristenmomof3 - Agreed, you can’t – but in that case, maybe you should reconsider your clothing style. I’d have to concur with @Bricker59‘s comment – your clothing is a personal choice. If you’re upset because the lady took issue with your gender identity, that’s another matter altogether, but if she just took issue with your clothing style, then that’s (1) to be expected since a lot of women will find any excuse to hate on other women and (2) something you should be prepared to deal with if you’re going to dress in a certain manner.
Just because you lay claim to a certain gender identity doesn’t mean you’re pigeonholed into a certain style of clothing either.
People can be rude.
People can be intolerant.People can be intolerant of people being rude and intolerant.
This post seems a bit forced though. Having said that lots of people experience rude behavior.It doesn’t mean everyone is in danger of killing themselves. I have 13 children. Folks say “rude” things all the time to me. I’ve decided to take it differently and ignore it.
After all, I was the one willing to have this many children. I’m actually proud of all my kids,and very grateful for that blessing from God. Sometimes I feel bad for the folks who express surprise at the size of my family.They’re caught off guard. It’s not easy to come up with the social appropriate response off the top of your head especially when they may not approve oflots of kids. They certainly have the right to feel that way. And I have the experience of knowing how people will respond and the freedom to respond with kindness; or a joke or just ignore them.
It’s not a matter of choosing or not choosing a life style but accepting it either way.
dumb bitch. I can’t count the times I used the men’s bathroom, because the ladies was too full, but no one screamed at me. Perhaps, because I DO fit into the system, I was more or less evidently a woman using the wrong bathroom on purpose. I also heard of gay males being in situations like this. Even when they look like men, some other men don’t want them to possibly see their penis. That happened to a school mate of mine at least.
They should simply install one big bathroom for all, where the urinals for men offer a bit more privacy too, problem solved. And the women “illegaly” using the unused mens bathroom problem would be solved too. The handicapped people have to share among genders too after all, and as long as no one sees your private bits (as in the ladies bathroom no one does) where is the fucking problem.
@Bricker59 - there is sometimes a difference between what your civil right is, and how you actually should react if you don’t want to hurt or upset other people (and come off hysteric and attention-seeking).
I can imagine why this would be frustrating. I have no idea what else there should be instead though….any thoughts?
@Kristenmomof3 - Kristen, this was not directly aimed at you. It is one of the confusing things that we men have to face. How do YOU expect us to face up to it, and still be gentlemen? You are looking for a fight? Please don’t. I want no fight; most of us don’t want a fight. You seem to think–maybe you don’t think. Kristin, you are welcome to look, dress, and believe whatever you want. That is okay. But stop acting like everyone else is being judgmental when they are giving an honest response. Most of the time it is not a judgmental evaluation, but a questioning of “why” when they see you, or hear your comment. Consider that if you choose to be different, that was your choice. If you try to conform, others will fully accept you the rest of the way.
@pb49r - You are the one who said “Should a gal who wears her hair real short, and has masculine shape do something to clearly indicate she is indeed female? I kind of think so.” I think my comment to you was quite valid.
@ZombieMom_Speaks - Yep-yep… my mother was raised by old-world-European parents. Same “rules”. Think how much nicer the world would be if we all behaved like that!
@Kristenmomof3 - LOL – only if you want to create spontaneous applause.
@bakersdozen2 - It’s no one’s business to judge you by how many children you have. If you can support them yourself and everybody’s happy, what’s the big deal?
I used to work with a lady who had eight children and when she’d say that she always seemed uncomfortable. I figured it was best to lead with a laugh so I made a joke about fertility goddesses and how some ladies (pointing slyly off to the side at the woman with eight kids) were far more goddess-like than some. She laughed, and was much more comfortable from then on. I didn’t understand then why that would be such a big deal, but having seen your comment, I get it. Thanks for that.
Well now that I have read the term gender polarization on your site this morning…
What about a new and special concept: gender polarbearization????????
It comes from the land of the midnight sun and the frozen ball.
@xxGetWellSoonxx - @Kristenmomof3 - @PervyPenguin - @DivaJyoti - @Bricker59 - If there are lesbians having sex in the ladies bathroom somebody should make a video of them and it would last longer and harder. I’d have trouble getting in there to do that because I am a male and my gender presentation is male, but because my consciousness is enlightened I think that the actresses should get paid with a percentage of every copy sold. One pet peeve I have about the real world is that lesbians will not conform to my projection on them and have foot fetishes the way I do. I’d actually like to get beyond rest rooms and see lesbian foot worship going on in public spaces such as subway stations, and non-lesbian and non-female passersby just getting used to it and being nonchalant about it.
There are benches in the subway station at West 66th Street and Broadway, wooden benches, perfectly suited for one woman to sit, and another woman to kneel in front of her and slip the seated woman’s foot into her mouth. It’s very sensual and we need more sensuality in our public spaces. Less nuclear war, more lesbian foot worship.